The Oracle
by somedayangeline
Summary: Lex is finally getting used to having his life disupted. Parody.


Oracle: A Smallville Parody 

Scene One: Luthor Mansion

Lex is interviewing an applicant to work on his scientific research.

Lex: "Now your references and resume are quite satisfactory….The only thing that

remains to be seen…."

A man bursts in brandishing a gun. Lex calmly reaches for his own gun and keeps

talking without missing a beat.

"….is if your performance measures up to your last position.."

Panicked applicant. "But, but sir, that guy over there is trying to kill you!"

Lex: "Oh…right."

Panicked applicant. "But sir, he's going to kill us! HE"S GOT A GUN!"

Lex: "Get down!" Dives onto the floor his arm around the applicant. Fires some shots

himself, but he is taken hostage and tied up in a chair with the applicant.

Lex around his gag: "Don't worry, this happens every week. Pretty soon help will

arrive."

Applicant: "Are you crazy? That gun looks real, and that man pretty pissed off."

Armed man: "Now, tell me where the spaceship is, you bald punk."

Lex: "Didn't we do this last week?"

Armed man: "No, the week before. Sweeps week. I'm someone different, but I want that

spaceship just as badly. Now tell me where the spaceship is!"

Lex: "I honestly don't know."

Armed man: "You seem rather blasé for a man who's just been taken hostage."

Lex, smiling: "I've got a secret."

As armed man begins to search the mansion, Lex nods in what he considers a reassuring

manner at the applicant. "I apologize for the interruption. Oh…Clark! Thanks for coming."

Clark: "Not again, Lex! Can't you go a week without being taken hostage?"

Lex: "It seems to be my lot in life. The path to greatness isn't easy, as my father would

say. I bet Alexander the Great wasn't taken hostage every other week."

Clark super-speeds over to the man with a gun and takes his gun from him. "Now, get

out!"

Lex to applicant: "I don't suppose you're still interested in the job…."

Applicant: "I…uh…I have to go."

Clark: "Really, Lex, you've got to beef up security. Between keeping up in college and

dodging Lana's probes, I'm kinda busy."

Lex: "Would you believe I've been doing just that?"

Scene Two: Kent Farm

Lois: "So, I've notified all the media in Kansas about your debate next Friday with Lex,

and we've definitely got the local cable channel. Because Kansas politics are so big, you're sure

to have thousands of attendees."

Jonathan: "Efficient as usual. Thank you."

Martha: "Did you pay Lionel back for his campaign donation?"

Jonathan: "I sure did. Now he won't have anything to hold over our heads."

Clark: "Hi guys. Sorry I'm late."

Lois: "Let me guess. You're off saving the Rogaine Poster Boy's life again."

Clark: "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it."

Jonathan: "I don't like you always running to Lex's aid."

Clark: "Lex isn't as bad as people think, Dad."

Jonathan: "Point is, he has enough people looking out for him."

Martha: "Aren't you seeing Lana tonight?"

Clark, making a face: "Yes."

Martha: "Why, what's the matter?"

Clark: "She's been pressuring me to make a commitment."

Martha: "Isn't that what you want?"

Clark: "I guess."

Scene Three: Lana's Dorm Room

Lana: "Clark, I sense a real distance growing between us."

Clark: "What?"

Lana: "I kiss you, and I feel something, and then you pull back. I thought you wanted to

make a commitment."

Clark, laughing uneasily: "What do you mean? I love you."

Lana: "It's just that…"

Clark: "Lana, I promise, I'm being honest with you."

Lana: "Clark, I'm ready to take things to the next level. How do you feel about that?"

Clark: "Uh….what do you mean?"

Lana: "I'm talking about the most intimate thing two people can do together. Why?

Because of TV ratings, I can't get any more graphic than that. What did you think I meant?"

Clark: "I just don't want to rush things."

Lana: "But you've had a crush on me since freshman year. Since we were kids even.

We've gone through life-endangering experiences together, more than most people will ever in a

lifetime. I just wish you felt comfortable enough to tell me what's bothering you, so we could

stop this shadow-boxing."

Clark: "So do I."

Scene Four: Daily Planet

Lana: "I don't know what's up with Clark. Sometimes, it's all we can do to keep from

tearing our clothes off, and then sometimes, it's like he's on another planet."

Chloe: "Have you used the 'C' word with him?"

Lana: "What's that? Commitment?"

Chloe: "Exactly. Guys are allergic to that word. You have to find other ways to find

out what's up."

Lana: "He found out that I'm doing research on meteor showers. As embarrassed as I

was, I was hoping he might come clean about some major things."

Chloe: "Like the way he always is there one minute and there nowhere to be found?"

Lana: "And the way he manages to find out things that no normal human could have

possibly managed to find out."

Chloe:. "Oh well. Some things are just destined to remain mysteries."

Lana: "Guess so. Anyway, I wanted to tell you about my latest findings. Let's go to

the Talon."

Chloe: "Actually, there's a Starbucks around the block. Since we can't super-speed like

a certain farm boy, let's go there."

Scene Five: Starbucks

Lana: "I discovered that the two meteor showers – the one that happened when I was

four and the one that recently happened occurred exactly two days after the Risley Comet

appears. Also, there's been documentation in a California town of a meteor causing odd

things to happen, and one in Japan, too."

Chloe: "Like giving them supernatural powers."

Lana: "Exactly."

Clark, who has just appeared out of nowhere: "Hello."

Chloe: "Hi, Clark."

Lana: "Hi, Clark. What brings you to Metropolis? An urge to scale tall buildings in a

single bound?"

Clark: "Ha ha."

Chloe: "So how's Lex doing. I haven't seen him lately. Only his father, who keeps

trying to enlist me to sabotage Lex's campaign."

Lana: "But you wouldn't do that, would you?"

Chloe: "Of course not. I don't trust Lex, but he deserves a chance to run a fair race."

Lana: "Actually, we were talking about you, Clark."

Clark laughs uneasily.

Chloe: "Want a latte?"

Clark, taking on a panicked look, "I..uh…I think Lex's in trouble again. Gotta run!"

Chloe: "Do you ever get tired of playing second fiddle to saving Lex?"

Lana: "As a matter of fact, I do."

Chloe: "If Clark had to choose between saving Lex's life and yours, whose do you think

he'd save?"

Lana: "I'm not absolutely sure. Sometimes I think Lex gets in trouble on purpose just

because he knows that saving his life all the time cuts into _my _time with Clark."

The girls chuckle ruefully and drink their coffee.

Scene Six: The Cave

Lex to two scientists: "Now this is a key component of my findings about the cave and

the spaceship. This is absolutely top secret."

First scientist: "Are those hieroglyphics?"

Second scientist: "Looks like a bunch of chicken scratches to me."

First scientist: "How do you keep the cave so clean? It seems like a perfect place for

kids to throw parties."

Lex, impatiently: "Never mind about that. The important thing is that I think this oracle

predicts when the next meteor shower will be."

First scientist: "Are you sure?"

Lex: "Yes, I contacted a worldwide expert in decoding hieroglyphics, and she….."

Armed woman bursting in: "Get down! Get down! Or I'll shoot."

Lex, calmly: "Darn, I forget my gun again."

First scientist: "But…but, SHE"S GOT A GUN!"

Lex: "So?"

Armed woman: "Tell me what the oracle says, or I'll kill you."

Lex: "I honestly don't know."

Armed woman kicks Lex in the side. "Tell me what the oracle says, you bald punk!"

Lex: "I really do not know."

Armed woman kicks him again: "It's simple. You tell me what the oracle says, and I'll

let you live."

Lex: "Who writes this dialogue anyway?"

Second scientist, whispering: "Maybe you should tell her."

Lex: "Don't worry. Help is on the way."

Clark super-speeding to the rescue: "Oh, Lex. Tonight's the big debate between you and

my dad, and you got yourself taken hostage again. You just can't seem to stay out of trouble, can

you?"

Lex, through clenched teeth. "Hey, it's not exactly something I enjoy."

Clark untying him. "Do you think you'll still be able to get to the election?"

Lex: "If I drive fast."

First scientist: "But what about…."

Lex: "Shhsssh!"

Second scientist: "You just got yourself taken hostage, and you're _still _going to

participate in a debate tonight?"

Lex: "Of course. Why wouldn't I? I can't let my supporters down."

Clark, fondly: "Well, you know, Lex gets taken hostage every other week. It's not

exactly a big deal to him anymore…"

Lex: "Or to the viewers of this show."

Clark: "….so it's not surprising he's ready to participate in the big debate."

Lex: "We'd better get going."

Clark: "I hope I won't be considered a traitor, if I wish you luck."

Lex: "Not at all."

Clark: "I hope I don't have to save your life again tonight. I want things to go smoothly

for both my dad and you."

Lex: "Well, thanks for saving my life this time. Yet again."

Clark: "You're welcome.

The end.


End file.
